Giuliani: "I rebuilt 9/11 with my bare hands and personally raised the children of all the fallen heroes in New York, in addition to lowering crime by 400% and giving every New Yorker a thousand dollars and a Christmas card."
Romney: "Hillary Clinton wants to give terrorists keys to the White House. In Massachusetts, I personally stopped the marriage of a man and a horse, and secured our borders by ensuring that Massachusetts remained at least one state away from any other country. Hillary Clinton wants you to abort your child even if they've already been born!"
McCain: "When I was in 'nam-- that's right, I was in 'nam as a P.O.W.-- we had Charlie all around us. Two of my buddies went down in the rice paddies of Da Nang, and I was still able to command the U.S. Navy and win World War II retroactively. Also I was in Vietnam, did you know that?"
Ron Paul: "Keep the government away from my tax dollars! What was the question again? I can't hear you because I'm farking a hundred years old."
Huckabee: "Jesus is Lord. Praise his name. Did I mention Jesus is Lord? Also, I'm changing my party from Republican to the ForJesus party."
Everyone else: "Hey assholes, we're running too. Ask us some questions!"
Nothing from Grandpa Fred, but I'm assuming it went much the way that SNL had him last week:
